Dear Voss Water Bottle Aficionados

Dear Voss Water Aficionados,

I don’t like you. I don’t like the way you boast, flaunt and parade your self-centered water bottle as if it’s the best thing to happen since the invention of sliced bread. If there were ever a water bottle with a superiority complex, your bottle would be the one. I smirk and scorn upon the most pretentious and most self-centered water bottle I have ever laid eyes on.

I don’t care that your water comes from a magical underwater spring lake in Greenland or that the supposedly mineral-producing bottle is made from crystals forged by Poseidon. I see through your favorite brand of water’s false image. I see through its conspicuous and flashy-looking advertisements, and most of all, I don’t care that you think your water tastes better than ours. It’s simply not true. The fact is, and remains, that your bottle of water is the same water just in a different, more elegantly shaped glass.

Although not all Voss water drinkers think alike, the majority of these narcissistic people would disagree with my claim that their “elegant” water is the same as my boring tap water. However, I tend to agree with these same people in saying that Voss is a lifestyle choice. The arrogant consumers of Voss would have you believe that because they drink better water than you that they in turn are better people. And why wouldn’t they? I mean the Voss brand explicitly speaks for elegance, sophistication and purity, for God’s sake. Only the upper echelon of society should be allowed to drink this water, and by drinking this water you are seemingly deemed worthy of your new elevated place in society.

It’s almost like the marketers of Voss sat down in a room and said let’s throw a fancy label on it, import it from a different country and sell it at an outrageous cost and call it Sophisticated! The illusion of the bottle and the fancy lettering on the front is enough to make you purchase the water without a second look. Don’t be fooled Voss water aficionados, it’s the same water our ancestors drank and it’s the same water that composes more than 90% of our bodies. It’s the same water that comes from your sink and it’s the same water you fill in your bathtub. There really is no difference.

Dear Voss water aficionados, it’s nothing personal. What I really care about is the fact you are being scammed into a flagrant and blatant marketing ploy. It really wouldn’t be your fault if you weren’t so idiotic  as to buy bath water at an extraordinarily elevated price tag.

It’s not your fault the bottled water industry is helping to corrupt the planet’s ecosystem or that the world is running scarce on clean, healthy water. In fact we take it for granted. We use it for a majority of our everyday functions and yet so much goes to waste. And when we use bottled water we end up paying a huge price tag over a placebo telling us their water is better than anyone else’s water.

I’m looking at you Voss water aficionados, why can’t you put your “fancy” water down for a minute and look at the facts. You are the prime examples of what’s wrong with our society, and I call on you to make a stance and change.

Dear Voss water aficionados, we, the normal drinkers of water just want you to know that you aren’t better than us because of what some bottle tells you, but that we are in fact smarter by paying less for the same thing.