So you want to conquer APs like this ape? Well the only way to do that is to learn from his master: me.

1. Forget everything your teachers have told you. They didn’t make the test. Besides, it’s not like it’s their job to teach you on how to succeed on this exam or anything. Get an AP book.

2. Don’t start studying until the night before the exam. Order your book so it arrives the night before the exam so you’re not tempted. You study any earlier and you’ll just forget everything you studied, which sucks. Scared that you won’t be able to remember and read everything in time? Well, I got some nifty tips for you buddy-pal-bro!

• Think of something funny while reading your AP prep book. Not only will this make you go faster, but it will help you remember things.
• Use your finger to trace words as quickly as possible. Even if you don’t think you’re reading, I assure you 47.634 percent that you are probably reading like every fourth word. But that’s all you really need. Sometimes.
• Cramming too much? Put your AP book below your pillow and get someone to constantly drop water on your face while you’re sleeping. The more material, the more often they have to do it. It’s simple science really; I learned about it in my AP Biology class. Through a process called osmosis, or as the French like to call it øšmõśįs, material goes from a high concentration to a low concentration. So all the knowledge in your AP book is transferred. I really like this one because you don’t even need to take a shower!

3. Don’t get a good night’s rest. Research shows that you’re more creative when you are tired. You’ll be impress the College Board with the unique thoughts you bring to your essay.

“After I followed these steps, I did really well on my APs,” explained Jenny Waytoosmart, junior. “I took 5 AP tests and got a cumulative score of 5 for all of them. My mom was so proud of me. She let me back in the house again!” **

You take the APs like this, you will succeed. Now go and make your mama proud!

**Due to the satirical nature of this article, this quote is fake and is only used for satirical purposes. Also, don’t use any of this advice. A cumulative score of 5 on 5 APs is a 1 on each AP test. That’s sad. Don’t be sad.