It’s a question that has puzzled individuals ever since the start of mankind: Is Santa real? Well, to answer that, we need to first answer if we, as a people, as a society, as a generation living on this universe, are real. Take a look in the mirror. Do you see yourself? Or is that just a reflection? See, you think that you’re real. But maybe you, like everyone in the world, is just an illusion. By the transitive property, Santa shouldn’t be real. 

But hold on a second, then who was that guy who I met at the mall? You know, the fat guy with the white beard and the red coat. He was sitting in a chair and told little kids to sit on his lap so that your mom can take a picture of you with a complete stranger. Yeah, you guessed it: an illusion. But there may be some of you wondering why these dubious illusions even exist in the first place. And I’ve got an answer. I don’t like to give away answers, though. It takes out all the fun. 

If you do all of these actions, you’ll be able to find out the answer to why these illusions exist:

1. Draw a circle on a piece of paper. 
2. Write your name in uppercase in the middle of the circle. 
3. Transcribe that to numbers. For example, A is 1, B is 2, C is 3, etc. 
4. Tear the top half of the paper off. 
5. Throw the top half in the trash. Then, throw the bottom half in the trash. 
6. Keep reading this article. 

 It’s…It’s…It’s…

THE ILLUMINATI

Don’t sigh, keep reading. I’ve worked this theory for nearly fifteen years. It’s rock solid. Follow my logic here: Santa. Ho Ho Ho. Three Hos. Three. That’s a number. Which shape has three sides? A triangle. This is not just any triangle, however; it’s this one:

For those of you who don’t see the value in this theory, goodbye.

***And as Santa always says, “Don’t be naughty, or I’ll slap you! Also, take the quiz below.” 

***This quote is fabricated for satirical purposes.