Why I should be Student of the Quarter


Michael Dietrich

I just really want to be Student of the Quarter.

It’s recently come to my attention that for the second time this year, and for the sixth time in my high school career, I was not chosen as Student of the Quarter. Nobody is sure how these students are chosen, but here is an open letter to anyone involved in the selection process based on criteria I created.

  1. I am smart — I have intellect. Like, a lot of it.
  2. I go to class almost always — Sometimes I’m just not feeling it though, you know?
  3. I’ve never snored in class — I would NEVER disrespect my classmates or teachers enough to emit a *GASP* snore. I simply sleep in silence.
  4. I’ve never made a teacher cry — How does this even happen? Do people really do this? Don’t do this.
  5. I don’t rely on my personality for my grade — This isn’t because of my morals, I just have a really terrible personality, and this would never work.
  6. I don’t cry about class EVERY day — Just on Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Sundays…
  7. I always read the Spark Notes — Because who really wants to read 60 pages of Catcher in the Rye?
  8. I write goodly — This is pretty self-explanatory, but if you need evidence you can check me out here.
  9. My picture will look great on the wall — See above. Just wow.